My Dearest Monica,

I ask you now, on humbled knee, if you would be so kind as to go on a date with me. I know you don’t know who I am, but I can assure you that I am quite a catch. 

My qualifications:

I can eat an entire box of pasta on my own (but I am willing to share if necessary)

I have an encyclopedic knowledge of music from the year 2007

I own a star projector

As you can clearly see, I am the person you have been waiting for your whole life. If you say yes to this date, I will be eternally in your debt. I can picture it now...

We meet up at a tiny coffee shop. I am wearing a red rose so that you will know it is me. You say hello and sit down. We stare into each other’s eyes. We don’t say anything but we don’t need to. There is an unspoken agreement. We stand up at the exact same time and walk to a nearby phone booth. That’s when we are sucked down into an underground tube and we enter a secret base. We’re both spies. But what you didn’t know is that I was an undercover spy working for your arch nemesis. We engage in a battle that rivals all others. We fight for hours, both tiring but never failing. Eventually, I falter. you quickly stab me with a hidden blade and i fall to my knees. I whisper, well done. I fall to the ground. You have bested me in battle. Congratulations, Monica. I hope you’re happy.